Battling Sexuality

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality" 1 Thessalonians 4:3; “For this is God's will, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality,”

The greatest challenge facing the Christian church in this century lies in the area of sexuality. And it is men, especially "good" Christian men, who face the greatest challenge.

The battle within our bodies

In the hearts of all good men there is a battle raging, a battle as real as any literal war we might wage. It is a battle for integrity, decency, and purity. It is a struggle to overcome forces that seem uncontrollable—in human terms. And many good men are losing this battle, including pastors.

Why sex is a distorted gift

Sex is a joyous gift from God. But of all of the gifts of creation it is probably the most perplexing. There is more potential for sin in the realm of sexuality than in almost any other area of our lives. Paul's admonition to the Thessalonians is as needed today as it was in New Testament times. This Thessalonians text gives indication of the power sex had in Paul's day and that it has indeed always had.

Why is it that so many struggle to balance their strong hormonally-driven urges with their desire to be good, devout, and faithful partners and pastors? One reason is that the tensions we feel in our sexual drive seem to fit "the lusts of the flesh" Paul talks about. Another is that we live in an era of sexually supercharged stimuli. Yes! Sex is normally considered the real thing nowadays.  Men not involved are normally considered not real men, are cowards and do not know what ‘life’ is.

Good men have difficulty differentiating between ordinary, healthy sexuality and what is abnormal. Many men fear that just because they have a strong sex drive they are in some way deviant. Some even fear that they may be "perverted" or addicted to some sexual desires.

The bottom line is that all men struggle to keep their heads above the turbulent waves of their testosterone. The sex drive is a powerful force in healthy men and clearly some have a harder battle with the fight than others.  Men with strong sex drives can easily develop a pervasive sense of shame and self-rejection, even though a strong drive, in and of itself, is not abnormal.

That we must learn to control our sexual urges and channel them into appropriate outlets is the challenge we all face. But how do we accomplish this and what is the real problem? It can't be sexuality in and of itself, since this is part of God's creation.  I believe it is that the beautiful gift God has given us has become distorted, and men in particular, have lost their way! What was intended by God to be a joyous, transcendent experience that unites a man and a woman, has become a bewildering, bothersome, and, for most, baffling challenge.

Major sources of sex distortion

1.      The "veil of silence."

"Men are known by the silence they keep", someone has said. This sums up a major distorting influence in male sexuality. The shrouding of male sexuality is not difficult to discern. While average men think about sex a lot, it's too personal and intimate to discuss openly. They won't even admit how often they think about it!

Some men may joke about sex, but they hardly ever talk about it seriously. The result!  Most boys grow up struggling to distinguish between what is "normal" and "healthy" from what is "sick, sinful and dysfunctional." They have no sense of where "normal" lies because they don't know what others are thinking or feeling deep down.

Most sons do not see their fathers as sexual beings and this can, for example, keep them from learning how to behave in a healthy way toward women. Without adequate models, boys develop a sexuality that is misguided, and in many cases immoral or even dangerous.

2.        Pornography and cybersex.

There is no greater threat to a healthy, let alone sanctified, male sexuality than pornography. It is devastating our Christian sons and creating an epidemic of addiction to sexually stimulating images.  Through pornography and the related means of communication that it exploits, many men have developed or exacerbated what can only be described as “obsessive/compulsive sexuality."  The average male growing up in today's world is so bombarded by sexual stimulation that few men escape its influence.

Pornography is only the tip of the iceberg. Cybersex is rapidly becoming the primary source of pornography. There are now literally thousands of Web sites that offer extremely explicit pornography that can be indulged in total privacy without anyone else knowing about it.

3.      Puberty, adolescence, and the long "waiting period."

The detrimental influence of pornography is particularly severe when it captures young boys. In this context we need to be aware of one significant biological effect that is not going to go away. It is this: The age of puberty is now lower than it has ever been, and it continues to drop. At the other end, the age of adolescence has gone up. No longer can we think about it ending, say, when a boy leaves high school. Many social commentators are saying that today adolescence doesn't really end until age 28 or 30 because men are not financially able to support a family until they are done with college training or university and begin to work and live independently.

The common, secular-based alternatives facing our young people today are either free sex without any commitment (risking pregnancy and a host of spiritual, psychological, cultural, and social distortions) or masturbation to pornography.  Often it is a combination of both. Certainly, a heavy dependence on pornography by men in these early years must inevitably create serious addictive tendencies that will be difficult to break.

            Creating a healthier sexuality

Whatever else we do, we must give the highest priority to shaping a healthier sexuality in our young people, especially boys. We also need to provide opportunities to bring healing to our men. Judging them because they seem out of control won't help. It only breeds more shame, remorse, and crippling silence. The battle can only be won by helping them to develop a healthier sexuality.

Some practical ways we can begin to rebuild the beautiful gift that God has given us through our sexuality:

1 . We need to acknowledge our need for divine intervention. While there is a lot of therapeutic help we can offer, only the power of God can get a man out of the mess of a distorted sexuality with any degree of permanency.

2. We must help the church at large to break the veil of silence that shrouds sexuality. The time has come for frank, open discussions in our churches about the dangers of such practices as sexual fantasies, the damage of the early exposure of boys to pornography, and the importance of building healthy, balanced lives.

3. Couples need help in addressing sexual problems as early as possible in their marriages. Churches which maintain a distance from these matters or which do not offer programs that can help couples in their struggles at reconciling the sexual differences between the spouses are only perpetuating the problem.

4. Parents need help in educating their children, especially boys, into developing a healthy sexuality. This has to be done without shaming them or creating severe guilt, which is quite inadvertently the most common form of control that Christian parents resort to. Parents themselves need training in how to educate their children!

Since it takes healthy parents to raise healthy children, parents, especially fathers, should be encouraged to confront their own sexual distortions and get help in undoing them.

Finally

The problems facing men as they seek to develop a sanctified sexuality aren't going to go away. Instead, the challenges are greater. For the Christians, the church is the system that must commit itself to restoring a sanctified sexuality.

The apostle Paul's advice to men has never been more needed than now: "That each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God" (1Thess. 4:4, 5, NIV).

In one sense we need to learn how to control our bodies because the temptation to sin is greater in the realm of sex than in anything else. But we also need to learn control because we have lost our way on the sexual road.

May God help us so that we find the way back to His road before it is too late!