Mentoring Boys into Manhood

Manhood depends on the role you play in molding the boys.

We are living in difficult moments in our times as regarding the molding of boys into manhood. The society is that complicated that as our boys are growing up, they are learning a lot from the media than from the parents themselves. The parents have become so busy particularly in seeking for wealth and improving their careers that they have had no time for the children. The worst affected are the boys. Another scenario that is also affecting the boys are those that are brought up by the single mothers. Before the boys become teenagers, the mothers are able to handle them well but in the teenage life and beyond, the boys start rebelling and the mothers are stranded.

In the last two weeks I have handled two cases of boys whom the mothers are unable to handle. The boys need to hear a man speaking into their lives. They need to understand the changes taking place in their bodies. Who else to speak to them than the men who have gone through those stages? It does not cost anything but only to have time to speak into their lives. As I spoke to these boys, I could see the joy in their eyes as they shared things that they said their mothers could not understand. My challenge to my fellow men is we have to act or else the future generations of men will blame us so much for not being there to mold them to be the men they should have been.

Sometimes we may not take seriously what our sons are learning and doing, telling ourselves that “boys will be boys.” At other times we may take what they do too seriously and tell them to “Grow up and act like a man.” Raising sons today, with our concerns about the violence they are vulnerable to and the controlling and abusive male roles they may grow up to inhabit, is a challenging occupation. How do we guide them from boyhood to manhood with their strength, creativity, caring, and lives intact remembering that they are boys, but inevitably boys will be men?

Some of the wonderful qualities of boys are words like; energetic, challenging, curious, intelligent, caring, rebellious, creative, artistic, expressive, dramatic, pushing the limits, wild, passionate, loving, clever, ambitious, hardworking, experimental, fun, loving, sexual, vital, etc. We have to harness these qualities as we bring up our boys. Don’t be critical but be supportive. This is your major role as a man to bring up a boy into manhood. Mistakes will be made but utilize those mistakes as learning lessons for the boy.

Boys have feelings, thoughts, ambitions, dreams, and the capacity to make their own decisions. We need to realign ourselves so that we are on their side, instead of trying to get them to be on our side and accept our values. This involves working to help strengthen their ability to make good choices about their lives. We need to trust that they will pick their own best directions, activities, friends and future given the options they see. We can help them expand those options. Of course they will make mistakes. Few of those mistakes will be fatal and most of them will be necessary for them to grow and learn how to be mature adults. Our challenge is to help them make their own choices, and their own mistakes.

The boys are exposed to the following ideas at a very early age when they are told to "Act like a man":

§                     Be tough

§                     be aggressive

§                     don't back down

§                     don't make mistakes

§                     be in control,

§                     take charge

§                     you have to prove that you are a man

§                     be responsible,

§                     don't show any feelings

§                     don't cry

I am a father of three daughters and one son. As I brought him up, I knew there were challenges that we were to face in our times but I was there for him to answer to any issues that he was facing. The young man is now over 31 years and when we sit to talk, we have man to man talk. Don’t think of your son as too soft or weak, or not standing up for himself more aggressively. He needs your support to make it into life. Don’t become fearful for his safety and offer lukewarm support if he shows interest in activities that are not traditionally male or are not as aggressive as we've come to expect boys to be. Encourage him to participate in many issues of life as he will learn a lot but caution him not to be influenced by his peers and if he has issues allowing for open discussions with him. Don’t provoke him. There are probably ways that all of us sometimes give up and say "boys will be boys" and then fail to challenge the messages and training boys receive from TV, movies, books, sports and their peers.

Perhaps most important of all, few of us talk to our sons about the gender role training they are receiving. We don't point it out, notice with them the consequences for themselves, women, and other men. We don't challenge them to think critically about that training and to develop communication and problem solving skills.

THE BOYS’ NEEDS

For the boys to become the healthy, creative, intelligent, compassionate, interdependent members of the community that we know they can be they must:

A chance to nurture

Allow the boys to be boys as they are growing. Besides lots of healthy nurturing, boys need the opportunity to become nurturers. We should assume that boys can and naturally want to nurture others. We can give them plants, animals, dolls, and younger children to take care of. Commensurate with their age and abilities we can enable them to practice the skills and learn the joy, satisfaction and responsibility involved in nurturing activities.

Someone to talk with about the hard subjects in life

Don't wait to talk with them. Many of us postpone talking with our boys until they are adolescents because we are uncomfortable talking about sexuality, drugs, violence or other difficult issues. The best time to begin talking with them, at a level appropriate to their age, is when they are in primary schools. At that age they are still listening to us, and they are not yet ready to experiment with different kinds of behavior.

Talking about sex or drugs does not encourage young people to experiment. In fact it lessens their need to. If we wait until they are teenagers they may already have so much confusion, fear, or misinformation that they will not listen to us.

Practice expressing feelings

Boys cannot be in touch with themselves or close to others if they cannot express their feelings. To help them we can regularly ask them how they feel. We can help them find ways to express their feelings besides words, such as through art, music, writing, and dance.

A chance to participate and make a difference

We know that boys have a tremendous sense of fairness, concern for others, and that they want to make a difference. Community projects are a wonderful way to take them into the community and participate. We need to expose them to the community programs. This gives them a sense that they are part of a community and that in a community people care for each other. They get to see through their actions that they can make a difference in other people’s lives.

Finally

When boys and young men are often portrayed as violent, drugged out, underachieving, sexual predators and the cause of many of our social problems, it is easy to forget the wonderful qualities of boys and young men. However, if we stay grounded in our love, caring and high expectations for our sons, we can help them stay safe, develop strong and caring relationships, and achieve their most creative and visionary dreams.

“Manhood depends on the role you play in molding the boys. Let’s take our rightful positions as we bring these boys up. The onus is with us.”